ya dads aren't the best wingmen
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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