Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
