Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
