My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I love you. Go after that dick
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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