How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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