You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
he thought i was a dude.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
