Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
