i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
