I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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