you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Randomize
