Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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