It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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