i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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