Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
