I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
