I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
