I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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