Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
