I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
