I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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