Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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