I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
