saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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