I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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