that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
