Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
