Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
