I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Randomize
