she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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