Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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