things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
