Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
