You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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