at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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