life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
