I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
