tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
