i just wanna soil my oats bro
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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