Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
