I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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