I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
