the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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