Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize