Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
porn star boner night. come get it.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Randomize
