I faked an abortion last night.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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