So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
