oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize