do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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