If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
