Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Little spoons don't ask big questions
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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