i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
