There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
