I faked an abortion last night.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
