I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
