Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
