i permit you to call me
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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