Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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