I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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