The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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