I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
