If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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