Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
