btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
