Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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