At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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