She went from zero to smokin in five shots
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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