This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
