my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
They have beer where we have blood.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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