My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
