He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
