A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
