They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
