My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
