I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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